Breaking Up...

...with my scale

My scale and I have a very long-standing love-hate relationship. I have "broken up" with my scale numerous times over the years just to have it lull me back with visions of perfect  numbers dancing across the display. The scale has the potential to tear me down every single time I step onto it. And yet, I continue to do so.

Every morning the scale waits for me. I try to talk myself out of partaking in the ritual that has plagued me since I bought my very first set of scales. But alas, I succumb. I stip down to nothing, timidly step upon this contraption that shall determine the rest of my day, and wait. I watch the blinking display while trying to maintain a "healthy" attitude. I tell myself that regardless of what this number is I'll be fine. I'm ok. I tell myself that I am beyond the reaches of the scales horrors. I NEED to know this number ... for my health, of course. And so I wait. And every day, regardless of what the number is, I feel defeated. I feel weak. I feel like I've failed.
Now that I'm "recovered" the failure I feel isn't that the number hasn't gone down, but rather that I still give so much of my self worth to something so meaningless. That I still allow myself to step on the scale each day when I know it will only tear me down. I want to throw the scale away, I really do, but am I ready? Am I ready to give up something that was such a huge part of my life for so long? My scale is like an old friend, no matter how demeaning. A part of me is still hoping for the day that I reach my magic number, like I'll finally be able to be proud of myself. But aren't I already proud of myself? Haven't I come farther than I ever imagined I would? Haven't I proven myself to be a strong, beautiful girl already? Why do I put so much of my self worth into a single number? Why am I so afraid to let go? The answer is: I don't know. What I do know is that every single time I have ever "broken up" with my scale I feel absolutely amazing. I start to love myself just because I'm me and not because some tiny display screen told me that I'm finally worthy of love.

And so here I am. Again. Breaking up with my scale. We are all more than a number. We are all beautiful regardless of our size. We are all worthy of love - from ourselves and from others.